Prince's Ode to the Vikings

First of all, this song is proof that you should never make assumptions about who loves sports. I always thought I had a knack for giving someone the once over and determining right then and there if they were a sports fan or not. Prince would have gotten an immediate 'not.' I mistakenly thought his performance at Superbowl XLI was just another stop on his grand tour of world domination... not because he actually likes football. And not to perpetuate stereotypes or anything, but who would have thought that football would appeal to a purple velvet-wearing pop icon with questionable sexuality who changed his name into an androgynous symbol?

Almost as surprising as Prince's enthusiasm for football was how horrifically bad his new song is. I was seriously hoping for another 'Little Red Corvette' or 'When Doves Cry' hit that I could listen to not only while being forced to watch football, but also maybe on the dance floor at a cheesy bachleorette party or something. Dedicated to Minnesota Vikings and billed as a "fight song" for the team, it reminded me of a cross between my junior high spirit song, a wacky rock opera ballad and a theme song from a role-playing fantasy video game. Take a listen.

And the lyrics! Oh the lyrics.

the veil of the sky draws open
the roar of the chariots touch down
we r the ones who have now come again
and walk upon water like solid ground
as we approach the throne we won't bow down
this time we won't b denied

Biblical language is sooo hot right now. You'd think he was singing about the rapture or something, but nope, it's Minnesota Vikings football. He must have received a heavenly vision that he hadn't had any publicity in a while and needed to ride on the Vikings' coattails to get back in the news for a couple days.

raise every voice and let it b known
in the name of the purple and gold
we come in the name of the purple and gold
all of the odds r in r favor
no prediction 2 bold
we r the truth if the truth can b told
long reign the purple and gold

Now wait just a minute there. Now that I think about it, maybe it does make sense that Prince likes the Vikings. Purple and Gold!? His signature colors? I'm not saying, I'm just saying.

the eyes say ready 4 battle
no need 4 sword in hand
we r all amped up like a rock n roll band
ready 2 celebrate every score
ready 2 fight the elegant war
ready 2 hear the crowd roar

The lyrics from this verse are a pretty rousing attempt at a rally cry -- amped! fight! roar! -- but the eerie, disorienting melody would take just about all the "fight" out of any athlete I know. Not that I'd know what motivates a football player or anything, but he should have taken cues from the classics - "Eye of the Tiger" by Survivor or Van Halen's "Jump!" or ACDC's "TNT." Or basically anything you'd find on a high school varsity team's warm up mix tape.

r spirits may b tired
r bodies may b worn
but since this day is r destiny
r history - that's y we must b
4ever strong as the wind that blows the Vikings' horn
in the name of the purple and gold

I have to wonder, what's up with all the teenager abbreviations for 'to' and 'for.' After all, The Artist is a sophisticated, worldly man of unlimited means. And I am an editor that judges. So I'd expect him to be 'above' using numbers in place of prepositions.

Anyway, I don't really care who wins tonight (shocker, right?) but I will give Prince an 'A' for effort.

FINALLY, Study Validates That Football is a Waste of Time

11 minutes.

The time it takes you to boil water.

The number of minutes it takes to warm up your car in the frigid Chicago winter months.

The amount of time it takes to get your drink from Starbucks on a good day.

11 minutes. 660 seconds. Approximately the time it takes me to finish a blog post.

Where am I going with this? What is so significant about 11 minutes, you may ask? Well, do I have news for you. Apparently, 11 minutes is what a Wall Street Journal article recently concluded is the amount of time the football is in play on the field. In short, the actual amount of action in a typical football game.

But wait a second, you say. 11 minutes? What on earth could be worthy of broadcasting the rest of the time? Well let me tell you, dear readers, it isn't pretty. If you hadn't already guessed, most of the 2+ hour broadcast is all filler: commercials, replays, commentary and - lord have mercy - the players STANDING AROUND. The article concludes that:

"As many as 75 minutes, or about 60% of the total air time, excluding commercials, is spent on shots of players huddling, standing at the line of scrimmage or just generally milling about between snaps."

For you visual people, a diagram that shows the most frequent parts of the broadcast

The article also added that a typical play only lasts about four seconds, and the ratio of inaction to action is approximately 10 to 1. So for everyone one minute of exciting plays, you must invest an additional 9 minutes of your rapt attention when not a thing is going on. Do you have that kind of time? Because I sure don't ... especially to watch a bunch of overpaid meatheads meandering around the field.

This is the best day ever. FINALLY, finally an actual scientific researcher validates what I've been saying all along - that spending an entire Saturday watching football is akin to eating ribs with no meat left on them. A lot of hype that's more trouble than it's worth and leaves you with an aftertaste of anti-climax.

Now if you'll excuse me while I go home to say "I told you so" to a certain someone. Toodles!

Bears Take Out Ad to Personally Apologize to Me

Well, you can see by my minimal interest in this blog that the Bears season went downhill rather quickly. I've put forth no real effort for Sunday outfits, had scant enthusiasm for upcoming games and found myself seriously lacking for deep-yet-shallow football musings. The only thing worth mentioning, really, is the repercussions for this abysmal season.

I've realized what a strange league the NFL is in the last few weeks. It just does not operate under the same societal norms as the rest of the country. Here are some examples: Wall Street executives of major public companies pissed away trillions making risky bets, and still got praised for their efforts with seven-figure bailout packages. Anyone with a career in HR knows that it takes at LEAST several mistakes (and a mountain of paperwork) to fire an underperforming employee at a company. Hell, even people who flip burgers tend to have no consequences for their rude 'tudes. But the NFL? If you have one bad season, your job is seriously IN JEOPARDY. For realz. In America, the land of second changes, the stark consequences for sucking seriously threw me for a loop.

The reason I mention this is because Lovie Smith, the Bears head coach, has set the city abuzz with his underperformance. There was a week or two when every guy in Chicago was just waiting with baited breath for the announcement that Lovie had been given his walking papers, along with the Bears' "offensive coordinator." (I put that in quotes because I feel like it's something like "extraterrestrials" or "Operation Iraqi Freedom" -- a murky concept I've often heard about but still have no idea what it really means.)

It was announced earlier this week (after some serious rampant speculation) that he was not fired, and he has since publicly mentioned several goals for next season. This seemed to shock sports fans - that he narrowly escaped the NFL guillotine so often inflicted on losing head coaches. But then the team did a peculiar thing: it took out a full-page ad in the Chicago Tribune to apologize to the fans for its substandard performance this year.


I'm just stunned. Accountability? Remorse? Humility? Granted I'm sure the bright idea didn't come from the Bears owners or even coaches - more likely the public relations department - but still. And I'll run the risk of sounding like a curmudgeon by saying that "people these days" don't often display accountability and definitely avoid admitting failure at all costs. Take, for example, flacks who say things like "Heckuva job brownie" and "The system worked" and "Our client denies all charges and asks that you respect his privacy at his time." It's not often that people can come right out and admit they sucked. So I guess what I'm trying to say is that I appreciate the candor. There's nothing worse than untalented people who are praised and tricked into thinking they are actually good at what they do. And although Lovie Smith still retains his throne, at least the Bears will approach the 2010 season with humility and their minds open to changing things up.

(P.S. I still think the tagline at the bottom of the open letter should have been "Second City. One team." But that's the copywriter in me.)