An EmBEARassment If I've Ever Seen One

Well then ... shall we get on with it? What a waste of an outfit.

The Bears got smoked by the Cincinnati Bengals tonight. When you're opponents score 45 points to your 10, it's not only humiliating but also just completely pointless for the rest of us to watch. Remember in your old Little League days when the other team beat yours beyond any shred of a doubt? As soon as your score was surpassed by ten runs or more, both sides just quietly gathered up their equipment, lined up to shake hands and went over to the benches to get their post-game Capri sun and Little Debbies treat from the team mom. (The later being the only reason I stayed a part of the local girls softball league for my final two years... but I digress.)

Why is there not a slaughter rule in football? Watching a team get annihilated is no fun for anyone, especially wives and girlfriends everywhere who can only look on helplessly as their significant other's mood sours more with each additional yard. When my mind started inevitably wandering during tonight's game, I came up with a formula for my proposed slaughter rule:

Difference between the teams' scores

Number of minutes left in the game

The answer that results is something I've called the Bail Factor, as in, "Why can't we all just bail on this game instead of sitting here watching every miserable last play?" Once that number becomes greater than 1, the game should be over. So in today's example, if the Bengal's score surpassed the Bears by 35 points and the clock was at 5 minutes before halftime, the game would have been wrapped up. (35 points / 35 minutes left = 1). We all could have gone on with our lives and polished off the remainder of our beer without having to witness touchdown after pick-off after fumble. Problem solved: no side of insult with my injury, please.

The game was more interesting than usual for me, mostly because of the post I made earlier in the week about Chad OchoCinco's Twitter smack talking. I could just picture him running his mouth (both out loud and as part of his internal dialogue) while he was running circles around our Bears. I guess digital disses take their toll on the players after all.

Luckily for me, I watched the game as part of as Bears/Pumpkin Carving party, so I could at least wash the taste of cold, hard defeat with pumpkin pie! Check out this masterpiece:


Let's hope this little shape shifter brings us better luck next week against the Cleaveland Browns!

Trash Talking in 140 Characters or Less

You know during a heated moment when one football helmet is crunched up against another, and you can see the players lips moving but despite the HD that your husband pays $20 extra a month for, you can't possibly make out what smack they might be talking to one another?

I have always wondered what types of words were exchanged between the players during these high-pressure games. They're all so *serious* about it! And my gossip-hungry ears are eager to hear the trash talking.

Turns out I can, as long as it's 140 characters or less. Who knew football players were on Twitter!? And that they talk about things from the mundane to the borderline inappropriate.

There's @Devin Hester., who tweeted how he was going to spend his bye weekend before the Bears game against the Falcons last Sunday. His response?

"I spent a lot of time with my family and my fiance. It is nice having a little extra time with everyone. Nice and relaxing."

Just imagine "relaxing" with the guy who is one of the most deft and agile wide receivers in the league and has made some of the best kickoff returns I've ever seen! He seems like such a normal guy. Which made me wonder: Does he watch football in his spare time? (I'm assuming yes, but you never know.) What's his favorite meal to kick back and watch the game with? (According to Sporting News, he is a fast-food junkie and lover of Mexican, chili and and Red Bull ... sounds like this guy could use a visit to the nutritionist!) He also has tweeted that he and his fiance are expecting a baby boy some time later this year. I have to say, I cannot imagine being that woman and having a little maniac thrash around in my belly all day.

Let's move along to the Bengals' @Chad Ochocinco, who recently used his Twitter as an opportunity to talk smack before and after the Bears's match this Sunday against his team. He told @Jay Cutler, the Bears' new quarterback:

He seems to be the biggest smack slinger of the bunch, and has mentioned he thinks "Chicago has the biggest platform for trash talking." Apparently this is how he puts pressure on himself to win, and it's right there on Twitter now for all the world to see!

I feel like all these tweets would be far more interesting if I knew who all these players were. I know Jay Cutler and obviously Devin Hester, but I'm going to start taking note of the players to check out their Twitters before and after the game. I think that would help me be more interested if, for example, a player went out of his way to smash into another guy who had sent him a nasty tweet a couple hours before.

Football is always a little bit more tolerable when you can mute the TV and put words in the players mouth!