An EmBEARassment If I've Ever Seen One

Well then ... shall we get on with it? What a waste of an outfit.

The Bears got smoked by the Cincinnati Bengals tonight. When you're opponents score 45 points to your 10, it's not only humiliating but also just completely pointless for the rest of us to watch. Remember in your old Little League days when the other team beat yours beyond any shred of a doubt? As soon as your score was surpassed by ten runs or more, both sides just quietly gathered up their equipment, lined up to shake hands and went over to the benches to get their post-game Capri sun and Little Debbies treat from the team mom. (The later being the only reason I stayed a part of the local girls softball league for my final two years... but I digress.)

Why is there not a slaughter rule in football? Watching a team get annihilated is no fun for anyone, especially wives and girlfriends everywhere who can only look on helplessly as their significant other's mood sours more with each additional yard. When my mind started inevitably wandering during tonight's game, I came up with a formula for my proposed slaughter rule:

Difference between the teams' scores

Number of minutes left in the game

The answer that results is something I've called the Bail Factor, as in, "Why can't we all just bail on this game instead of sitting here watching every miserable last play?" Once that number becomes greater than 1, the game should be over. So in today's example, if the Bengal's score surpassed the Bears by 35 points and the clock was at 5 minutes before halftime, the game would have been wrapped up. (35 points / 35 minutes left = 1). We all could have gone on with our lives and polished off the remainder of our beer without having to witness touchdown after pick-off after fumble. Problem solved: no side of insult with my injury, please.

The game was more interesting than usual for me, mostly because of the post I made earlier in the week about Chad OchoCinco's Twitter smack talking. I could just picture him running his mouth (both out loud and as part of his internal dialogue) while he was running circles around our Bears. I guess digital disses take their toll on the players after all.

Luckily for me, I watched the game as part of as Bears/Pumpkin Carving party, so I could at least wash the taste of cold, hard defeat with pumpkin pie! Check out this masterpiece:


Let's hope this little shape shifter brings us better luck next week against the Cleaveland Browns!